First

It's official- this is my first post of the last time I try making a blog. I don't know why it never works out, when I once had a stable photography blog for 2 years- I just can't write about personal things very easily. (which is strange because I'm not one to hide my feelings) Now it's about time. Not only because I am about to enter my last year of high school, but because of where I am right now in this moment. I'm going to change all of my friends names around because I don't want anybodies secrets to be shared if anyone were to find this blog, somehow. I will stay myself, Rhianne, because I don't think the chances of anybody finding this are very big. There is a lot going on as of now. It's the middle of summer. Valerie told me July is always a bad month, but I don't know if the 1st of August is going to magically make a difference. When I was in my angsty pre-teen phase I learned that I had OCD, which wasn't a surprise at all. It was never serious, and always under control. It still is for the most part. I haven't unhealthily obsessed over anything for nearly a year and that makes me very happy. The OCD thing isn't all about obsessing over things though- the worst part of it is the anxiety. It's always been under control though, and I don't know what happened but the past month, or two, maybe even three it has been so much worse. I feel like I'm walking a fine line between it being controllable and me just going crazy. I have never felt this way, so intensely before. I can't pinpoint when it started getting so bad, and I can't figure out exactly why. The littlest things set me off. I had a small anxiety attack over it yesterday- thinking I should talk to a professional and get on pills. I don't want to be to hasty. This is the first time I've spoken about it, so maybe it'll just get easier. I feel like I should talk to my mom about it- and Alex agrees that I should get help if I think it'll help- but I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to make it seem worse than it actually is, and I don't want to surprise her. I've never even told her I had anxiety issues sometimes, although I'm assuming she knows to a small extent. I feel like she'll either take it too lightly, or too seriously. She's going through a lot anyway. My grandma has cancer and we don't really know how long she has. She's getting knee surgery and might have to have it amputated. Also, my uncle just overdosed and died a month ago, and he has a five year old son- my cousin Teejay- and my mom is just stressing herself out over trying to help everyone. She's kind of the only sane one on her side of the family. My dad has been supporting her a lot though. I feel kind of bad- but I just can't bring myself to really care. Everyone has been freaking out about it but I understand that death is death, and I love my Uncle, but there's nothing we can do. Teejay doesn't have the best mom in the world- and by that I mean I'm 17 and would probably be a better mom- so he usually spends time with his aunties now. I don't know what to do for him. I know he must be going through a lot, but he knows that he can use the sympathy card and he uses it a lot. He doesn't listen to me and I don't really know how to discipline, so I usually just think 'fuck it' and avoid him. I know I shouldn't but I don't know what else to do. The only reason I want to try to help Teejay is because, at my Uncle's viewing, I looked over his still body and promised him 'I promise I will do my best to take care of your boy, if you promise to take care of mine.' Alex. I fell madly in love with the kid throughout my grade 11 year- and I know I'm young- but I swear to you it is so much more than a teenaged love affair. I've been writing a story- our story- its nowhere near finished but it explains how special our connection is pretty well. I don't want to boast about it here. In a nutshell, he is the popular kid at school who everyone loves and I don't know why he chose me, because I don't think one girl in that school would turn him down. I'm a theatre kid and have a select number of friends where as he has people fighting for his attention. Lord knows how I became his everything, but I am so happy I did. When I really think about it, I honestly think I am the luckiest girl in the entire world and I am not just saying that. That's only if we work out of course. This whole anxiety thing has me so scared of losing him, and it's messing with our relationship. Here's a quick story. We broke up in May- but never stopped having feelings for each other. Alex was going through a lot and didn't want to drag me into it. Basically, he is abused at home. He feels like he isn't normal and that's all he really wants. He told me things he could never tell anybody, but he was still extremely closed off, understandably, but he'd leave me in the dark too often. I never stopped fighting for him. I'm proud of myself because about a month ago it completely paid off when he expressed his undying love for me. We aren't officially back together, but people are starting to find out that we are together again. He came camping with me recently and although it wasn't really his thing, we had a really fun time. I felt like we were us again, and I could see my future with him. I thought that the anxiety would stop when he came back to me, but it hasn't. I take things out on him now. I get anxious if he doesn't want to cuddle, and I get way too needy. I know it's annoying for him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he won't make anything official until I figure myself out. He's right. This whole anxiety thing has been messing with me to a point where I'll cry and shake over someone saying 'bye' instead of 'see you later.' I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to my mom about it. Anyway, I'm not sure if Alex and I are on another break until I figure everything out. I know I want to be with him, but I have to get myself under control. I get that he doesn't want to make the official title until I work it out, but I feel like having that official title would make me less scared of losing him. That's what it comes down to. I'm scared of losing him. He ran away once before and without that official commitment I'm scared he will again. At first, I thought that's where the root of this anxiety was coming from, but I don't think it is. I'm scared of losing everyone. I don't like when my parents go on road trips, and I don't really like the idea of my sister being away. We've always been really close, but she's had a boyfriend for a year now and suddenly I only see her maybe once or twice a month, and she's always with her boyfriend when I do. I miss her- just me and her. But she's in this mindset now where she thinks all high school kids are immature- myself included. I don't want to sound all preteen emo when I say this, but I don't think she knows what I'm going through. To be fair, I didn't even admit to myself that I have a lot on my plate right now. I kept telling myself that there's so much going on in my friend's lives that mine can't be so bad. But when all of the people you love most in this world don't love themselves, it starts to get to a person. I could write a huge post for each of these people, and what is wrong with them and how I feel about it- but it feels like there is so many of them that this post would go on forever. So, here's a quick list and description. Valerie- She has been my best friend since pre school and I love her with all of my heart. She's bulimic and feels ugly and worthless. She is self conscious in the most unhealthy way possible and there is nothing I can do to make her understand how special she is. She also cuts herself and sometimes takes too many sleeping pills to numb herself. Willow- When I met Willow in the beginning of last year, I thought that she had to be the happiest and sweetest girl on the planet. Not the case. Willow just opened up to me yesterday, and told me that she has always felt numb. She has it so bad. The girl is 85 pounds and wants to be 70. She cuts herself literally almost every single day. And she's suicidal. Summer- Summer just graduated, but I always looked up to her and admired her. She's bulimic and has a boyfriend who doesn't treat her very well. Alex- I mentioned it before, but Alex is abused at home. And his parents have made him feel like he's not worth a damn. He has been doing a bit better, but he still think's that he is a bad person and that he'll never amount to anything. Bella- Bella has been my friend since elementary, but I've never been able to truly connect with her. Her dad is an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. I know that she is always going through a lot, but she is such a drama queen and I just can't find it inside of me to understand her. I guess in a nutshell, that's what's happening in my life right now. I don't know how to get myself under control, but I want to because I want to help my friends, and I want to feel secure in my relationships especially with Alex. Now that we are taking some time away, I'm getting paranoid and even more anxious that he is just going to forget about me, or that his feelings will fade. I know that is ridiculous when a few days ago he was talking about forever, but the way my head works- I feel like if he isn't constantly reminding me of it, he doesn't feel it. I know that it's dumb. I just want to be the best that I can be for him. I don't know what to say to my mom. I don't know what talking to someone would do. Maybe pills would help. This is just all so new to me, because at my school I'm honestly just known as the happy girl. I'm always happy in everyones eyes, even my own, and it's strange to finally admit that maybe I'm not so happy.