Anxiety, Dreams, & Going Away

So tomorrow morning (technically today since it's past midnight) I am unwillingly going camping to Kimball lake for 3 days. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just gone camping for 10 days. I don't want to leave Valerie and Alex. My old childhood friend Becca is going- she is really nice and I've always liked her but we grew apart. She isn't bringing a friend, and neither am I so we are expected to hang out with each other. I'd to think we'll hit it off but I'm not so great at talking to people or at catching up. Part of me feels guilty for our friendship having grown apart- I know it's natural but I can't help but feel like it's partially my fault. Here's hoping we hit it off. I'm so worried for Willow. I don't know what to do for her. What are you supposed to do when your friend tells you they are suicidal? I just want to be in Edmonton so that if she ever needs me I'm here. Same goes for all of my friends. For Summer and Valerie and Bella too, although I think she's pretty angry with me. I haven't mentioned Judy yet but she is one of my bestest friends and her little sister, Judge just celebrated her 16th birthday. We all went out for dinner and Bella seemed pretty cold towards me. Today we all hung out again and she just seemed cold towards me and if I heard her whispering with Emily correctly, she made some kind of comment about how I didn't tell her that Alex and I are back together. I mean I am so proud and happy that Alex and I are together again, but it's not completely official yet first of all and secondly, what am I supposed to do? Just randomly say, "Oh hey by the way, Alex and I are official again." Doesn't that come off as bragging? I mean, I do like to brag about him but still. I feel like I do need some time to clear my head and get things in order. The whole anxiety thing, as much as I don't want to say it, is mostly based around my relationship with Alex. I really do think that we will last for a long time and be in a happy and healthy relationship there is just stuff that needs to be worked on and that's fine. All I know is that I get really anxious when he leaves, and I don't think it's normal. And when we are just relaxing in the basement and he is playing x box, I feel anxious. But when we are active and out for dinner or doing something fun I am completely happy. Maybe I will tell my mom and talk to a professional at some point, but I'm starting to think it could just be something to be worked out between Alex and I. We have been talking about it a lot. He is really supportive and really showing how much he cares for me, which makes me feel really special. I just need to get it through my head that even if he isn't saying it 24/7, those feelings are still there. Alex has been having some pretty strange dreams lately. His dreams are like TV shows- they are vivid and ongoing. In this dream series of his, he is lost- doesn't know who he is or what he is working towards- but he needs to conquer 7 'gates' to get to the end. He is in hell, and has gotten through the first 4 gates in the past week. One of them was an ocean, another was a pile of dead bodies. All of them occur in hell and he is accompanied by this person named Timothy. When he told me this, but said he never knew a Timothy I was shocked. My uncle's name was Timothy and I promised him when he died that I would take care of his boy if he would take care of mine. To me, this Timothy sounds like he could be my uncle because he is helping Alex get through the gates to get out of this hell and find whatever it is that he wants to find. But Alex says he feels like Timothy is evil. I still think it could be my uncle though. Not to say that I think Uncle Tim went to hell, but I doubt he ever felt like he deserved Heaven. He hated himself to the point where he overdosed. Alex hates himself too, more or less. He feels guilty for his wrongdoings and things he was forced to do in the past. It makes me sad, but it's just his way of coping. I think he is more traumatised than he lets himself believe and it gets to him through dreams. I just hope that whatever is at the end of these 7 gates makes him happy, and allows him to realize who exactly he is and what he wants to do. Alex said he loves talking to people, he loves his music, and he loves helping people. I think he'd make a great kind of therapist. I want him to follow his dreams and realize who he is and what he wants. I hope this dream will tell him that. But he is scared. He falls a lot in his dreams, and there is an African saying that if you fall in a dream and hit the ground before you wake up- then you either wont wake up and die in your sleep, or you will die the following day. He is both African and superstitious so you can imagine the way he feels. That aside, the way he describes these dreams seems pretty gruesome and terrifying. I just hope he finds his way to cope with his pain. He needs to grieve the things he has lost instead of hiding them away and having nightmares about them. Anyway, I will be camping until Monday.