I talk way more fancy than i think

This post may or may not change the entire vibe of this blog- I'm not too sure. I'm just going to write whatever. I started this blog when I was in a bad mood, and of course none of those problems have gone away, but I'm feeling a lot more positive about it after my trip to Kimball. Becca and I surprisingly got off extremely well after years of not talking much. She broke up with her boyfriend of a year and half recently- turns out he was both emotionally and slightly physically abusive. It really does seem like nobody truly has everything in order these days. I had always known that she had anxieties, but never really clicked in that she has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and sees somebody regularly. I asked her for advice on my anxiety and she said to just talk to my mom about it and that there was no shame in going to a psychologist even just once or twice for advice on how to prevent anxiety attacks and how to deal with them when they happen. I was nervous to talk to my mom beforehand, but was even more convinced that I should after Willows grandma died. She passed away a few days ago and Willow is going further downhill. On the drive back home, I told my mom that she was suicidal and my mom promised to help her and myself when we get home. I'm going to go to a counselor, so I feel a lot more secure in knowing that I will be able to get myself under control and more importantly, my relationship with Alex. He stayed the night last night, however, and despite my conflicting thoughts beforehand, it went very well. I never got anxious and we are just as in love as ever. I'm starting to really feel secure with him again. I just want everything to be completely official, and I want to get the rest of these trust issues off my back. I know he was never cheating on me, but there have been a couple episodes involving other girls that still bother me, and he doesn't know that. I feel so engulfed by him and I just want to get back into a routine. Because I've lost him before, I'm so scared that I will again and I feel hesitant to let him in completely again. When I'm with him I know that he loves me and I love him and thats all that matters but when he's gone I start to feel insecure. I think that might be my own insecurities, if the counselor tells me anything that he can do to make it easier on me I'll let him know. He is really good to me, we just need to be completely secure and in a routine again. This is all jumbled isn't it? I'm sorry. I do miss routine. Getting up, doing my hair, going to school, etc. I feel like in a routine, I know what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and therefore I know who I am. With Alex by my side and HOPEFULLY a satisfying role in Shrek the musical, I think grade 12 could be the best year of my life. If I get good grades, that is. I haven't spoken about the musical at all yet, have I? It's my entire life. And it's going to be until mid December. In a nutshell, here is why this musical means the fuckin world to me: I never knew anything about theatre before joining it except that I knew Shrek the musical. I never thought I could sing at all, but in the end of the 10th grade I sang a song from Shrek in front of my class for an audition unit, and everyone was so proud and shocked- my sister even cried. Mr Slipetz gave me a good role in that play, and in the following year, I found myself singing in the school musical in front of hundreds of people. It gave me a rush that nothing else ever will be able to do. I began singing because of Shrek, and I want to finish my singing career doing Shrek. I want to sing so bad. I know it's a long shot but I want to be Fiona. Deep down I know I probably wont get her, but I'm optimistic and I believe that I could do it. I would try so hard. I want it with all of my heart and soul. Also, after last years musical, my grandma hugged me and told me she cant wait to see me as the lead next year. She is dying and getting a lot worse, so I want to do it for her too. OKAY. YES. I AM GOING.