Drama

I apologize ahead of time if this post is all jumbled- nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I hate that it's happening now. I'm not one to ever get involved in drama. Bella, Bella, Bella. I hadn't written about it earlier because I wasn't too sure: basically she has just been giving me the cold shoulder to the extreme. Before I went camping I tried to talk to her but she either wouldn't respond or would give me one word answers. I have not done anything wrong to her ever, but did apologize to her in case she felt like I had been neglecting her. I poured my heart out but she didn't respond. A few days later she finally told me that a lot is going on and basically that she doesn't want to be my friend right now. I understand people distancing themselves when they have personal issues, but she's saying she can't be friends with me when she can be friends with everyone else so easily. I just asked her if I could call her and she never responded. Then I saw her the next day at a group thing. I saw Summer for the first time in a while and that was nice but Bella was almost rude with me. Judy is my best friend but Bella has gotten pretty close to her in the summer- but Judy also agreed that Bella was not being nice. She had never told Judy anything bout being mad to me. So after a visit that made me want to cry because I felt so out of place, Bella asked Judy if she could call her later, when I had just asked Bella if I could call her later. So Judy went undercover to find out what was wrong. Apparently she isn't mad at me, but looking at me made her want to cry because she 'knows' that Alex is cheating on me. This just brings all kind of bullshit to the forefront. There was an incident back in May when Alex and I were separated where some girl named Katie tried to get with him but he turned him down. He told me about it when it happened. Word of mouth and things escalated and suddenly people think they had sex. I am astonished that Bella would believe that. She has been good friends with Alex since the day that she met him- how dare she accuse him of doing something that is completely out of his nature. Secondly, if she is so 'sure' that Alex cheated on me, wouldn't a good friend let me know instead of just ignore me? I think everyone is a little on edge because Alex did hurt me in the past, but we have worked things out and have been very good. Alex didn't want me to worry and didn't really tell me about the rumors, but it was why he was procrastinating putting the title on it. Last night everything just blew up and Alex said we should just end this until high school is over because there is always going to be drama until them and he's scared if we stay together this year and the drama won't go away. He is being a dumb ass. I have like four friends, nobody cares about me and nobody will care if I get back together with Alex. If they are dumb enough to believe that that sweet boy would cheat on anyone, and they think I have low standards for going back to him, fuck them. I don't care because they are not my friends and they clearly do not know Alex or I. I tried to tell Alex that, and I tried to tell him that a relationship is between two people solely- not two people and the entire rest of the school. I know he understood what he was saying, but he's programmed to care about appearance so much. He just kept saying we'll try again in a year, but I know if we stopped now his feelings would fade by then, and he'd be with someone else. I'm still not sure if this is all something he is saying in the heat of the moment. Bella hasn't been acting nice but she is a nice girl and I know she would feel terrible if she knew she were the reason that he left me. I think it is a little rumor that spread into a huge one and blew out of proportion and Alex is more worried about it than he has to be. He needs to understand that if we are not officially together by the time school comes around, I might finally give up on him because it has been three months of this 'in between' bullshit and he keeps putting it off. I know he doesn't want to take another break, but he has to make things official so that we can avoid this drama that would disappear if everyone knew we were together. Everyone who had caused drama before and knows that we are together again have completely left us alone. Alex is being stubborn. And I'm not sure if I want to sit down and talk to Bella or not. I don't know if it's worth it. All I know is last night I was angrier than I think I ever have been in my entire life, and somehow Alex now thinks we should break up, and that led to me crying about my grandma for the first time, and now I am just so emotionally exhausted.

I talk way more fancy than i think

This post may or may not change the entire vibe of this blog- I'm not too sure. I'm just going to write whatever. I started this blog when I was in a bad mood, and of course none of those problems have gone away, but I'm feeling a lot more positive about it after my trip to Kimball. Becca and I surprisingly got off extremely well after years of not talking much. She broke up with her boyfriend of a year and half recently- turns out he was both emotionally and slightly physically abusive. It really does seem like nobody truly has everything in order these days. I had always known that she had anxieties, but never really clicked in that she has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and sees somebody regularly. I asked her for advice on my anxiety and she said to just talk to my mom about it and that there was no shame in going to a psychologist even just once or twice for advice on how to prevent anxiety attacks and how to deal with them when they happen. I was nervous to talk to my mom beforehand, but was even more convinced that I should after Willows grandma died. She passed away a few days ago and Willow is going further downhill. On the drive back home, I told my mom that she was suicidal and my mom promised to help her and myself when we get home. I'm going to go to a counselor, so I feel a lot more secure in knowing that I will be able to get myself under control and more importantly, my relationship with Alex. He stayed the night last night, however, and despite my conflicting thoughts beforehand, it went very well. I never got anxious and we are just as in love as ever. I'm starting to really feel secure with him again. I just want everything to be completely official, and I want to get the rest of these trust issues off my back. I know he was never cheating on me, but there have been a couple episodes involving other girls that still bother me, and he doesn't know that. I feel so engulfed by him and I just want to get back into a routine. Because I've lost him before, I'm so scared that I will again and I feel hesitant to let him in completely again. When I'm with him I know that he loves me and I love him and thats all that matters but when he's gone I start to feel insecure. I think that might be my own insecurities, if the counselor tells me anything that he can do to make it easier on me I'll let him know. He is really good to me, we just need to be completely secure and in a routine again. This is all jumbled isn't it? I'm sorry. I do miss routine. Getting up, doing my hair, going to school, etc. I feel like in a routine, I know what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and therefore I know who I am. With Alex by my side and HOPEFULLY a satisfying role in Shrek the musical, I think grade 12 could be the best year of my life. If I get good grades, that is. I haven't spoken about the musical at all yet, have I? It's my entire life. And it's going to be until mid December. In a nutshell, here is why this musical means the fuckin world to me: I never knew anything about theatre before joining it except that I knew Shrek the musical. I never thought I could sing at all, but in the end of the 10th grade I sang a song from Shrek in front of my class for an audition unit, and everyone was so proud and shocked- my sister even cried. Mr Slipetz gave me a good role in that play, and in the following year, I found myself singing in the school musical in front of hundreds of people. It gave me a rush that nothing else ever will be able to do. I began singing because of Shrek, and I want to finish my singing career doing Shrek. I want to sing so bad. I know it's a long shot but I want to be Fiona. Deep down I know I probably wont get her, but I'm optimistic and I believe that I could do it. I would try so hard. I want it with all of my heart and soul. Also, after last years musical, my grandma hugged me and told me she cant wait to see me as the lead next year. She is dying and getting a lot worse, so I want to do it for her too. OKAY. YES. I AM GOING.

Anxiety, Dreams, & Going Away

So tomorrow morning (technically today since it's past midnight) I am unwillingly going camping to Kimball lake for 3 days. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just gone camping for 10 days. I don't want to leave Valerie and Alex. My old childhood friend Becca is going- she is really nice and I've always liked her but we grew apart. She isn't bringing a friend, and neither am I so we are expected to hang out with each other. I'd to think we'll hit it off but I'm not so great at talking to people or at catching up. Part of me feels guilty for our friendship having grown apart- I know it's natural but I can't help but feel like it's partially my fault. Here's hoping we hit it off. I'm so worried for Willow. I don't know what to do for her. What are you supposed to do when your friend tells you they are suicidal? I just want to be in Edmonton so that if she ever needs me I'm here. Same goes for all of my friends. For Summer and Valerie and Bella too, although I think she's pretty angry with me. I haven't mentioned Judy yet but she is one of my bestest friends and her little sister, Judge just celebrated her 16th birthday. We all went out for dinner and Bella seemed pretty cold towards me. Today we all hung out again and she just seemed cold towards me and if I heard her whispering with Emily correctly, she made some kind of comment about how I didn't tell her that Alex and I are back together. I mean I am so proud and happy that Alex and I are together again, but it's not completely official yet first of all and secondly, what am I supposed to do? Just randomly say, "Oh hey by the way, Alex and I are official again." Doesn't that come off as bragging? I mean, I do like to brag about him but still. I feel like I do need some time to clear my head and get things in order. The whole anxiety thing, as much as I don't want to say it, is mostly based around my relationship with Alex. I really do think that we will last for a long time and be in a happy and healthy relationship there is just stuff that needs to be worked on and that's fine. All I know is that I get really anxious when he leaves, and I don't think it's normal. And when we are just relaxing in the basement and he is playing x box, I feel anxious. But when we are active and out for dinner or doing something fun I am completely happy. Maybe I will tell my mom and talk to a professional at some point, but I'm starting to think it could just be something to be worked out between Alex and I. We have been talking about it a lot. He is really supportive and really showing how much he cares for me, which makes me feel really special. I just need to get it through my head that even if he isn't saying it 24/7, those feelings are still there. Alex has been having some pretty strange dreams lately. His dreams are like TV shows- they are vivid and ongoing. In this dream series of his, he is lost- doesn't know who he is or what he is working towards- but he needs to conquer 7 'gates' to get to the end. He is in hell, and has gotten through the first 4 gates in the past week. One of them was an ocean, another was a pile of dead bodies. All of them occur in hell and he is accompanied by this person named Timothy. When he told me this, but said he never knew a Timothy I was shocked. My uncle's name was Timothy and I promised him when he died that I would take care of his boy if he would take care of mine. To me, this Timothy sounds like he could be my uncle because he is helping Alex get through the gates to get out of this hell and find whatever it is that he wants to find. But Alex says he feels like Timothy is evil. I still think it could be my uncle though. Not to say that I think Uncle Tim went to hell, but I doubt he ever felt like he deserved Heaven. He hated himself to the point where he overdosed. Alex hates himself too, more or less. He feels guilty for his wrongdoings and things he was forced to do in the past. It makes me sad, but it's just his way of coping. I think he is more traumatised than he lets himself believe and it gets to him through dreams. I just hope that whatever is at the end of these 7 gates makes him happy, and allows him to realize who exactly he is and what he wants to do. Alex said he loves talking to people, he loves his music, and he loves helping people. I think he'd make a great kind of therapist. I want him to follow his dreams and realize who he is and what he wants. I hope this dream will tell him that. But he is scared. He falls a lot in his dreams, and there is an African saying that if you fall in a dream and hit the ground before you wake up- then you either wont wake up and die in your sleep, or you will die the following day. He is both African and superstitious so you can imagine the way he feels. That aside, the way he describes these dreams seems pretty gruesome and terrifying. I just hope he finds his way to cope with his pain. He needs to grieve the things he has lost instead of hiding them away and having nightmares about them. Anyway, I will be camping until Monday.

First

It's official- this is my first post of the last time I try making a blog. I don't know why it never works out, when I once had a stable photography blog for 2 years- I just can't write about personal things very easily. (which is strange because I'm not one to hide my feelings) Now it's about time. Not only because I am about to enter my last year of high school, but because of where I am right now in this moment. I'm going to change all of my friends names around because I don't want anybodies secrets to be shared if anyone were to find this blog, somehow. I will stay myself, Rhianne, because I don't think the chances of anybody finding this are very big. There is a lot going on as of now. It's the middle of summer. Valerie told me July is always a bad month, but I don't know if the 1st of August is going to magically make a difference. When I was in my angsty pre-teen phase I learned that I had OCD, which wasn't a surprise at all. It was never serious, and always under control. It still is for the most part. I haven't unhealthily obsessed over anything for nearly a year and that makes me very happy. The OCD thing isn't all about obsessing over things though- the worst part of it is the anxiety. It's always been under control though, and I don't know what happened but the past month, or two, maybe even three it has been so much worse. I feel like I'm walking a fine line between it being controllable and me just going crazy. I have never felt this way, so intensely before. I can't pinpoint when it started getting so bad, and I can't figure out exactly why. The littlest things set me off. I had a small anxiety attack over it yesterday- thinking I should talk to a professional and get on pills. I don't want to be to hasty. This is the first time I've spoken about it, so maybe it'll just get easier. I feel like I should talk to my mom about it- and Alex agrees that I should get help if I think it'll help- but I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to make it seem worse than it actually is, and I don't want to surprise her. I've never even told her I had anxiety issues sometimes, although I'm assuming she knows to a small extent. I feel like she'll either take it too lightly, or too seriously. She's going through a lot anyway. My grandma has cancer and we don't really know how long she has. She's getting knee surgery and might have to have it amputated. Also, my uncle just overdosed and died a month ago, and he has a five year old son- my cousin Teejay- and my mom is just stressing herself out over trying to help everyone. She's kind of the only sane one on her side of the family. My dad has been supporting her a lot though. I feel kind of bad- but I just can't bring myself to really care. Everyone has been freaking out about it but I understand that death is death, and I love my Uncle, but there's nothing we can do. Teejay doesn't have the best mom in the world- and by that I mean I'm 17 and would probably be a better mom- so he usually spends time with his aunties now. I don't know what to do for him. I know he must be going through a lot, but he knows that he can use the sympathy card and he uses it a lot. He doesn't listen to me and I don't really know how to discipline, so I usually just think 'fuck it' and avoid him. I know I shouldn't but I don't know what else to do. The only reason I want to try to help Teejay is because, at my Uncle's viewing, I looked over his still body and promised him 'I promise I will do my best to take care of your boy, if you promise to take care of mine.' Alex. I fell madly in love with the kid throughout my grade 11 year- and I know I'm young- but I swear to you it is so much more than a teenaged love affair. I've been writing a story- our story- its nowhere near finished but it explains how special our connection is pretty well. I don't want to boast about it here. In a nutshell, he is the popular kid at school who everyone loves and I don't know why he chose me, because I don't think one girl in that school would turn him down. I'm a theatre kid and have a select number of friends where as he has people fighting for his attention. Lord knows how I became his everything, but I am so happy I did. When I really think about it, I honestly think I am the luckiest girl in the entire world and I am not just saying that. That's only if we work out of course. This whole anxiety thing has me so scared of losing him, and it's messing with our relationship. Here's a quick story. We broke up in May- but never stopped having feelings for each other. Alex was going through a lot and didn't want to drag me into it. Basically, he is abused at home. He feels like he isn't normal and that's all he really wants. He told me things he could never tell anybody, but he was still extremely closed off, understandably, but he'd leave me in the dark too often. I never stopped fighting for him. I'm proud of myself because about a month ago it completely paid off when he expressed his undying love for me. We aren't officially back together, but people are starting to find out that we are together again. He came camping with me recently and although it wasn't really his thing, we had a really fun time. I felt like we were us again, and I could see my future with him. I thought that the anxiety would stop when he came back to me, but it hasn't. I take things out on him now. I get anxious if he doesn't want to cuddle, and I get way too needy. I know it's annoying for him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he won't make anything official until I figure myself out. He's right. This whole anxiety thing has been messing with me to a point where I'll cry and shake over someone saying 'bye' instead of 'see you later.' I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to my mom about it. Anyway, I'm not sure if Alex and I are on another break until I figure everything out. I know I want to be with him, but I have to get myself under control. I get that he doesn't want to make the official title until I work it out, but I feel like having that official title would make me less scared of losing him. That's what it comes down to. I'm scared of losing him. He ran away once before and without that official commitment I'm scared he will again. At first, I thought that's where the root of this anxiety was coming from, but I don't think it is. I'm scared of losing everyone. I don't like when my parents go on road trips, and I don't really like the idea of my sister being away. We've always been really close, but she's had a boyfriend for a year now and suddenly I only see her maybe once or twice a month, and she's always with her boyfriend when I do. I miss her- just me and her. But she's in this mindset now where she thinks all high school kids are immature- myself included. I don't want to sound all preteen emo when I say this, but I don't think she knows what I'm going through. To be fair, I didn't even admit to myself that I have a lot on my plate right now. I kept telling myself that there's so much going on in my friend's lives that mine can't be so bad. But when all of the people you love most in this world don't love themselves, it starts to get to a person. I could write a huge post for each of these people, and what is wrong with them and how I feel about it- but it feels like there is so many of them that this post would go on forever. So, here's a quick list and description. Valerie- She has been my best friend since pre school and I love her with all of my heart. She's bulimic and feels ugly and worthless. She is self conscious in the most unhealthy way possible and there is nothing I can do to make her understand how special she is. She also cuts herself and sometimes takes too many sleeping pills to numb herself. Willow- When I met Willow in the beginning of last year, I thought that she had to be the happiest and sweetest girl on the planet. Not the case. Willow just opened up to me yesterday, and told me that she has always felt numb. She has it so bad. The girl is 85 pounds and wants to be 70. She cuts herself literally almost every single day. And she's suicidal. Summer- Summer just graduated, but I always looked up to her and admired her. She's bulimic and has a boyfriend who doesn't treat her very well. Alex- I mentioned it before, but Alex is abused at home. And his parents have made him feel like he's not worth a damn. He has been doing a bit better, but he still think's that he is a bad person and that he'll never amount to anything. Bella- Bella has been my friend since elementary, but I've never been able to truly connect with her. Her dad is an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. I know that she is always going through a lot, but she is such a drama queen and I just can't find it inside of me to understand her. I guess in a nutshell, that's what's happening in my life right now. I don't know how to get myself under control, but I want to because I want to help my friends, and I want to feel secure in my relationships especially with Alex. Now that we are taking some time away, I'm getting paranoid and even more anxious that he is just going to forget about me, or that his feelings will fade. I know that is ridiculous when a few days ago he was talking about forever, but the way my head works- I feel like if he isn't constantly reminding me of it, he doesn't feel it. I know that it's dumb. I just want to be the best that I can be for him. I don't know what to say to my mom. I don't know what talking to someone would do. Maybe pills would help. This is just all so new to me, because at my school I'm honestly just known as the happy girl. I'm always happy in everyones eyes, even my own, and it's strange to finally admit that maybe I'm not so happy.